“Your periphery is not an appropriate place for your identity to live.” – Erin Motz
For me, identity has always been a very convoluted idea, strung along by ambiguity and ignorance. In other words, I think I’ve always understood the significance of knowing one’s identity but never actually put the effort into building my own. Resultantly, I spent most of my life in the shallows – in the periphery if you will. I based who I was on the fleeting and ever-changing circumstances and emotions of my life, followed up with a dash (ok, a glug) of what other people thought about me. Or even worse, what I thought they thought about me. I placed my identity on the back burner and tried to make up for it by building a reputation with others. If I could “trick” everyone into perceiving that I was always funny, or pretty, or smart, then that was enough. That was who I was …or at least that’s what I tried desperately to believe. And while I may be all those things in fluctuating proportions, it’s irrelevant if the only reason is for the perception of others. That simply is not enough to build a solid identity on!
So how do you build an unshakable identity? That has been the question of the century for me. It’s only now, three years into this battle for my life that I think I’m FINALLY starting to unmask who I really am. And let me tell you, I am not at all who I thought I was. It’s like meeting a stranger for the very first time – one who I instantly feel at home with and one who I can’t believe I ever lived without.
The reason I felt inspired to write about this NOW though, is because of a recent Instagram post I read by Melissa Hartwig (…who is amazing by the way. Go follow her!). What struck me about it, was that it so perfectly captured into words the transformation of identity I had been experiencing these last few years. It was almost as if it finalized it. Not to say that I am not a work in progress and won’t always be, but it made the gray areas of my identity seem to turn to black and white. What I really took away from it was that the only way to truly rebuild after the battle of your life, is to look beyond the periphery. To know your identity so intimately that there are no circumstances… or opinions/self-doubt… or emotions that can possibly change it. To realize the person you truly are – the one who is left if everything, I mean everything, is stripped away. After you know THAT person, let her become your compass. Make her your unfaltering foundation on which all decisions, questions, and hardships in your life be based. For me, this meant that it was time I actually write out the defining characteristics that make up my identity – which I have since come to call “my truths.”
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Just a note: In a stance against fear, I choose to be vulnerable …because even now, even after all this transformation, I still battle worrying about what other people think. I worry you may not agree with me, that you might not see what I see in myself. But then I remember my true identity and the overwhelming power that comes with it, and I say #sorrynotsorry but it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I know who I am – and it’s not as shallow as an opinion. So here goes, my identity…
I am:
Bold
Loving
Kind
Compassionate
Competent
A Caretaker
A Protector
Intelligent
Free
Strong
Confident
Giving
Determined
Driven
A Believer
Faithful
Capable
Lighthearted
Joyful
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Phew! That took more courage than you know. When I started making this list, I had to tune out everything, including my own self-doubt. I had to think beyond my emotion in the moment or the shames of my past, and I had to see myself from an entirely new point of view. Beyond that, I had to see the person I wanted to become …because some of those descriptors may not yet be my default but nonetheless, they are who I am/am determined to be. And I am going to fight like hell for them. Trust me, it’s way better than fighting like hell against shame, or fear, or the opinions of others.
To start though, the idea of this task felt completely overwhelming (hence the convoluted perception of identity in my past). If I hadn’t been able to form an identity for the last 30 years, what made me think I could do it in an afternoon? (ugh, more self-doubt) For a starting point, I decided to just add any and all descriptors that made me feel stronger and more whole. It was incredibly challenging! As I forced myself to take a step back though, and to be as objective as possible, something magical began to happen. For the first time in my life, I could truly see the beauty and worth I held as a person, not because of how I looked or because of how perfectly I reacted to my situations or because everything was going right, but rather, because of the person I had unknowingly become during all the trials and tribulations. It turns out, I didn’t form an identity in an afternoon, but I did finally define one. And that has made all the difference. While I suppose I am, in my current state, not an end product, I am also solid enough to allow for the flexibility and growth of who I may become in the future. Let me tell you. It feels incredible.
Now, when I have moments of self-doubt (I’m still a realist – I understand that we are all human and will have moments of questioning), I look to the descriptors listed above. I know these to be true about myself – regardless of the situation or the emotions I may be feeling. I challenge those thoughts of self-doubt. I ask myself, does this align with what I know to be true about myself? If not, I look at how to redirect either my thoughts or actions? The same is true when someone else says something about me. I challenge it. I take the time to analyze it. I don’t just automatically accept it. I also don’t automatically reject it. I ask myself, is this true? Resultantly, I’ve made some pretty eye-opening discoveries about the changes I want to make in my actions towards others. I’ve also found the ability to not take on descriptors that were never meant to be mine, just because someone else believes it to be true about me.
This has helped me in more ways than I thought possible. It has brought about a whole new level of freedom I didn’t know existed. It has allowed me to see past my anxiety and to live more in the moment. It has also allowed me to look back at the near unimaginable suffering I endured, without all the pain and fear. It’s very clear to me now, my lowest points in battling the illness the last three years, were when I allowed it to define who I was. I am not now, nor have I ever been, my illness! And it is most definitely not my identity:
The disease may not have been kind, but I am. The disease may not have been beautiful, but I am (regardless of looks). The disease may have made me think that I was weak, but my truth says that I am unimaginably strong.
You get the picture. And that is just one small example of how I am applying my truths in a practical manner to my life. Really though, the same could be applied to relationships: I may feel insecure but my truth says that I am confident. Or to finances: The finances may seem impossible but I am at peace and incredibly capable. Or to insensitive people: They may not be empathetic but I am so I can choose to show them kindness regardless. It’s true of any instance, no matter how impossible things may seem – you just have to know YOUR truths. Literally define them, write them down, and make them your mantra …until they are an unbreakable defense for whatever crazy shit this world can throw at you. To know your identity, inside and out, is perhaps the most powerful tool you will ever have. It most certainly has been for me!
“The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.”
– Richard Grant