This is the most here I have ever been.
That might sound funny to a lot of people but anyone who’s walked the path of returning to themself will understand what I mean.
It’s not at all what I thought it would be, this remembering who I am. It’s much more painful and a hell of a lot harder than I imagined. This being present and being awake – all the time, at any cost – feels like all emotions wrapped up in one. It’s unbearable at times. It’s beautiful at others. It’s like having your senses turned on for the first time. The tastes, the smells, the touch, the sounds – it’s all consuming.
All the while, the patterns and heartbreak of the past loom near. It’s only the constant practice of surrender that breaks these chains.
I am more grateful than I have ever been. I have more joy and peace and contentment than I ever believed would be mine.
This path isn’t easy…. but it is with ease. The two are not interchangeable as I once believed them to be. Easy is sometimes a choice we are given but ease is always ours for the taking. It doesn’t rely on circumstance or conditions. Ease is surrender embodied, the type of surrender that is only accessible when we’ve decided that we will return to ourselves… at any cost.
This is what I have decided… at any cost.
I am overwhelmed and often surprised by the life unfolding before me. It’s quite literally more than I ever dared to imagine for myself. It has come on the heels of illness and death and heartbreak. It has come on the heels of a greater unfolding – the unlearning and the relearning – of my value, my worth, my beauty, my capacity, my purpose, my desires, my enough-ness.
This life that I am so honored and privileged to live now, can only be lived NOW… on the foundation of my undoing. If I hadn’t been cut down to a mere nothing, the me that now stands before you wouldn’t exist. The me that is authentic and true wouldn’t be here. The me that is destined to help others heal, not through my works but through my own healing, wouldn’t be writing these very words.
This is my reminder. I hope it’s yours as well. Your healing matters. It matters more than you could ever know.
You are so very loved, so much in fact that you won’t ever be allowed to settle for less than you deserve.
So be here. I mean really, really be HERE.
Trust me when I say, you will be in awe of the miracles that unfold before you, the love that wraps you, and the joy that engulfs you.
It is worth every cost.
Choose to be here.
There is absolutely nothing in your life that your soul came unprepared for.
Janna Herberg