Shame, Shame, Shame

I’ve been learning a lot about myself again lately. It has been so incredibly painful – almost too painful to bare. It’s also been, surprisingly, freeing. Basically, it boils down to this: I haven’t felt good enough …for my entire life.

It’s not as if I wake up and tell myself this every morning. No, quite the opposite, in fact. These past few years, I’ve made huge strides in learning who I am. Who I REALLY am, but even that doesn’t seem to be enough to drown out that small voice of shame telling me that no matter who I am or no matter what I do, I won’t be good enough.

I’ve recently been reading Brene’ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. I haven’t gotten very far. Every time I work up the courage to crack open the book (metaphorically speaking since I use the kindle app like someone who lives in 2018), I have to take small chunks at a time – not only because there is so much information to digest but also because of the deep, internal caverns that it takes me to. I feel like reading the book too fast would be like trying to narrow down 10 years of counseling into a few hours. It just doesn’t work that way …for me, anyhow.

Maybe what’s most disturbing though, is that Brene’s book makes me feel as if I don’t know myself at all. Haven’t I been here and done that? Wasn’t the three years of torture and sickness enough? Apparently not. I guess that’s just it though, like all things in life, there is no arrival. Who we are is a journey… an ever-evolving, complicated, messy-at-times, treacherous, but beautiful journey. This is just another pit stop. In any case, as I began reading, I started to see what a huge hold shame still has on my life. I wouldn’t have called it that before but I’m grateful to be able to put it into words. I let shame become my filter.

I hate to admit it, but all of the vulnerability I preach is still streamed through this filter. Sure, I’m vulnerable …in very specific ways. I’ll share a lot of personal details about my life with almost anyone just as long as I have control over how the conversation goes or how I am portrayed in the conversation. The truth is, that’s not vulnerability. That’s still me putting on a face and letting shame be my guide. And if said conversation doesn’t go to plan, well, that’s just another layer of shame. I relive it over and over and over again in my head until I feel so defeated that I don’t know how I can possibly go on. I obsess over it and think about all the thoughts the other person “must” have had about me (which as we know, are almost always untrue – and even if not, what someone thinks of me is none of my damn business).

Through this eye-opening process of realizing how big a part shame still plays in my day to day existence, I am starting to see things that were never there before. I am, for the first time maybe ever, seeing parts about myself – parts I don’t necessarily like – and accepting them as they are. I am realizing that I am not more or less complete because of them. I am free to live …not when, but now. I don’t have to have anything figured out and I can still play my part in this life. I can be love, encouragement, and support even if I still battle anger, depression, and illness. Shame tells me that if I make mistakes, think unkind thoughts, or act out in a way I wish I wouldn’t have, then that is who I am – and therefore, I am unworthy of any sort of calling or greatness. Shame tells me that anything less than perfection in my thoughts and actions towards others makes me incapable of true love and compassion.

Shame tells me I can’t over and over again …and that I never will. It tells me I’m not good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, healthy enough – that I’m not worthy, or lovable, or capable. Every terrible thought that flashes through my mind, every embarrassing moment, and every unkind word that comes from my mouth, shame swoops in and reinforces it. It backs up hate, fear, lies and feelings of inadequacy. In short, it makes me believe that I am not good enough …and that I NEVER will be!

Shame’s a liar.

I truly believe with all of my heart that each and every one of us on this planet has been born with a purpose. That doesn’t mean that each of us will invent the cure for cancer (hopefully someone will), but what it does mean is that there is a specific purpose (or maybe even many) for which we are all here. It lives in the deepest parts of our soul. It comes out in our heart’s desires – the ones we feel too embarrassed to share. It comes out through our passions, our interactions with others, our instincts, and our dreams. It is, I believe, always there. Just sometimes, we allow it to be suffocated by the noise of this world. We start listening to who other people tell us we should be or what they think we should want or desire. We allow the need for money, acceptance, and peripheral things to take its place – and when this happens, we allow shame to step in.

At first, it starts out small. When we’re little, maybe we get teased over a shirt we wear. Instead of just feeling embarrassed for a moment or realizing that it really has nothing to do with who we are, we take that seed of shame and water it. As we get older, the comments from others become more cruel and more often. Each time we believe what others say to be true about us, we water that seed of shame. Before we know it, shame is no longer a seed that needs to be watered. It has taken over. It suffocates, not just our confidence and courage, but the deepest desires of our hearts. It silences our passions and callings. It makes us feel like that purpose we were born with, the one that only we can fulfill, is so far beyond our capabilities that it is impossible. Shame steals our lives without ever having to kill us …and submissively, we let it. We have watered that seed of shame so much that instead of trusting our own true selves, we trust the lies that have been told to us.

Shame. It’s a liar and a killer of purpose.

But what if we didn’t have to filter everything through these lies? What if we could pursue our dreams and callings without the added torment of doubting everything we do and every decision we make. What if we could love ourselves and believe in ourselves without having to meet any standard. What if we trusted that our purpose could meet us exactly where we are at – as people who make mistakes, snap at the ones we love, think judgmental thoughts – as people who aren’t perfect.

What if it’s this simple – we are worthy, and loveable, and amazing at the same time. What if we are good enough for all of our dreams, callings, and purposes – exactly as we are?

This is what I’ve been dealing with lately. I started asking myself these questions. When I feel that wave of shame wash over me, which happens far more often than not, I ask myself why I’m feeling shame. More importantly, I’m working on giving myself the grace to believe that I am fully capable of fulfilling my life’s purpose just as I am. Not like I have in the past, where I tried to “accept” who I am while continuing to “work” on myself – but truly, EXACTLY, as I am. This doesn’t mean that I will stop exploring my identity – it just means that I’m choosing to believe that if I were to stop and hold onto exactly who I am today, then that is enough. There is no more “when.” I am free to begin my life all over again, right now.

This is true for all forms of who I am:

This is true for the Desiree who gets angry and says hurtful things, the Desiree who eats foods that aren’t nourishing to her body and that literally make her sick, the Desiree who wishes she didn’t have an illness but still holds onto the fact that she does as a means of validation and distrusting other people, the Desiree who yells at her dog when he won’t stop barking, the Desiree who isn’t always happy or smiling, or kind, the Desiree who plays the victim, the Desiree who still struggles mentally every day of her life – with OCD, depression, anger and anxiety, the Desiree who struggles to find contentment and gratitude and has for most of her life, the Desiree who wishes she looked differently than she does, the Desiree who hates politics and feels ignorant for saying so, the Desiree who has memory troubles and struggles to remember facts and names and events – and the Desiree who worries she isn’t smart enough because of all of this.

This is also true for the Desiree who desperately loves and cares about the people in her life even if she can’t always show it. It is also true for the Desiree who loves writing, baking, interior design, plants, and clothes – for the Desiree who loves to read people’s stories and what would be considered “self-help books” and who hates reading almost anything else. This is true for the Desiree who believes in the grandness of life and miracles even though everyone tells her there’s no truth behind it and that she’d be happier if she just “settled”, the Desiree who loves her husband and dog with all her heart and who doesn’t always feel good enough for them, the Desiree who loves to workout and resents the fact that she can’t because of fucking illness, the Desiree who feels like her desires and wants aren’t deep enough or smart enough or sophisticated enough, the Desiree who has a lower back tattoo that she got when she was 17 before the term “tramp stamp” existed and a misspelled tattoo in Hebrew that she got when she was 23. This is true for the Desiree who continues to believe that something great is on the horizon, even though she’s been wrong time and time again.

It is true that I am free to pursue the passions of my heart, my purpose, even with all of these things. In fact, it is not because of or despite these but just in conjunction with. They exist. So does my purpose. They are not mutually exclusive. They do not make up who I am even if shame says they do.

Realizing this, even if I have to do it over and over again every day of my life, that’s freedom.

With this freedom, and only with this freedom, can I ever possibly chop down that plant of shame and allow the seed of my life’s purpose to grow.

I have a long ways to go, but we always will. Good thing I am free to start now.

…and so are you.

 

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” -Brene’ Brown