Today it’s taking everything in me to not throw in the towel, crawl back in bed, and watch hours of mindless TV. Days like this are the hardest -when I wake up feeling lousy. It only seems to go down-hill from there. But then again, that’s just the nature of the beast – stupid Lyme disease! Yep, that’s where I’m at. I don’t even have a better word to describe this disease anymore, just stupid.
I should have guessed that today would be this way though, not because of some pessimistic point of view but because I pushed myself too far yesterday. My mom took me to the doctor’s office to pick up some more meds (which is about an hour away) and then I had to go to the grocery store. I mean had to! The night before my husband and I ate the bag of frozen veggies that had been in our freezer for half a year – we were that out of food. In any case, I made it, but not without paying the price.
When I finally sat down on the couch (or laid down), that was it. When I do push myself to that limit, which I can easily do, my body does this thing where it sort of shuts down. My legs turn to jelly, my eyes blur, I can’t control my hands, involuntary muscle twitches set in, and I physically have trouble talking or cognitively forming sentences. I am completely and utterly exhausted! I also get this flush that floods my body that is comparable to running a wind sprint or going up several dozen flights of stairs. And unfortunately, even in the midst of this exhaustion, I still cannot sleep (or at least not well). Falling asleep easily or staying asleep is a luxury that I forfeited when I started my treatment. Just as I’m about to fall asleep, I get heart palpitations. My heart both races and feels like it’s going to pound through my chest or it fires too rapidly which gives the impression of skipped beats. As a result, my body floods with adrenaline keeping me awake for hours. When I do finally fall asleep, my bladder has other plans. I’m like a pregnant women who is in her third trimester having to pee multiple times every single night. And every time I do get up, the process starts all over again. Again, stupid is the only way I can describe this disease right now!
I regret every time that I push myself this far, and yet I continue to do it. I must be a glutton for punishment. In all actuality though, I usually don’t realize that I have overdone it until it’s too late. The thing is, I feel okay during the activity and it isn’t until hours or even days later that the full effect sets in (the same is true for most late stage Lyme patients). This is especially true now that I am starting to feel slightly better. When I first started treatment, I felt like I was dying! There was no overdoing it because I couldn’t even manage to get myself out of bed. Now that I have some choices, I have to find that tricky balance between moving forward in life and not backsliding into the bottom of a pit. For me, this is almost (almost) harder than when I didn’t have any options – only because I crave my old life. The one where I went to work and school, wrote for fun, ran marathons, did cross fit four days a week, drove myself everywhere, and could walk my dog without having a meltdown afterwards. The place that I’m at feels more like limbo than life; however, that’s something I’m working on. I not only want to be okay right now, but I also want to embrace my life no matter how it is defined. I still have at least a year plus of treatment before I can even dream of reconnecting with my old life but I also have to accept that my life is forever changed. I may be able to return to all of the activities of my old life, but then again I may not. In either case, I cannot put my life on hold for the next couple of years to find out. That’s where the limbo feeling comes in. The only way to escape this feeling is to move on. Truly move on. Instead of mourning for the life I once had, I am trying (sometimes while kicking and screaming), to embrace the life I have now. The fact that I can now get out of bed, make food for myself, or even drive down the block is amazing. I’m kidding myself if I think otherwise. In this new life, I have also been able to care for myself like I have never done before – like most of us living in today’s society have never done. I’m learning to sew, make jewelry and create cards. I’m taking an online class, watching TED talks and past CrossFit® games/regionals, and I’m getting to write this blog.
So here I am today, creating the new normal for my life. I forced myself out of bed, took some meds, made some breakfast (bacon, eggs, and leftover paleo sweet potato pancakes, yum!), then forced down another handful of pills, which leads me to writing this now. I may feel crappy, and I may not be headed to work, followed by a run or a CrossFit class, but I am blessed. So incredibly blessed! Besides all of the new and creative skill sets I’m learning, I have an amazingly supportive husband, and friends/family who support me unconditionally. I have a house to live in, food to eat, pets to love, and a beautiful day outside. This is all not to mention how fortunate I am to have the option of treatment and the wisdom of an incredible doctor who has gone through this herself and come out the other side. I am blessed. During those dark days and times, I may not always remember that fact but it doesn’t change it.
Now I’m going to go crawl back into bed for a while and help my body heal. While in my old life that may not have been what I would have wanted to do today, in this new chance at life, I am grateful to have a bed to crawl into, the time to heal, and the opportunity to live a life at all.
“There will be many chapters in your life. Don’t get lost in the one you’re in now.”