The Truth About Suffering.

Have you watched the Tony Robbins’ documentary on Netflix yet? If not, you definitely should! It’s called, Tony Robbins: I am not your Guru; however, it should be called, Tony Robbins: I’m Your F^&#*^% Guru (You’ll understand why after you watch it). To take that one step further, my husband and I were talking about how if he decided to start a cult, it would undoubtedly be the coolest cult of all times. I would even consider …ok… I would definitely join it. But he’s too cool for that. So for now, I will just have to settle for stalking his website, ordering his books, and watching his documentary/YouTube seminars – at least until I can afford a $5000 ticket to his, Date with Destiny.

Okay, okay, I’m done obsessing over Tony Robbins and will now move on to today’s topic (which was, of no doubt, inspired by his documentary): Pain and Suffering and Destiny.

At one point during the documentary, he said something like this (just to paraphrase): our suffering is not happening to us, it’s happening for us. While this may sound like a cheesy, self-help line, something about it really resonated with me. Perhaps it was in the delivery or perhaps it was because of the sincerity behind it (watch this Tedtalk), but that idea really made me think about my own life and my own situation.

I don’t know if I’ve ever consciously considered myself a victim of my circumstances; however, on some level, I’ve allowed myself to play that role. I’ve allowed myself to believe that I would be better off without the pain and suffering I have had to endure in my life – or that I should somehow be exempt from such hardship. And even though I have always accepted that there is value to be had and lessons to be learned in these trials, if I’m honest, I also concluded that life would be a lot better without them. I believed that they took away from the person I am – that enduring them left me wiser but also jaded – and that I would never be ‘whole’ again. I didn’t however, despite my words, fully believe that these trials might actually be the reason I am who I am today – that they might be making me whole – that the life I want lies in the grace, compassion, and love I learned as a result of all of that pain and suffering.

Tony also briefly talks about his mother and the abuse he had to endure as a child. While that is heartbreaking and undoubtedly evokes emotion, beyond empathy, there is another hugely significant lesson to be learned by it. He follows that brief recollection with this: If [my mother] had been the woman I thought she should be, then I would not be the man that I am proud to be today. I want to say the same thing about my entire life – more than that, I want to believe it from the bottom of my soul. If my life had gone the way that I thought it should go, then I wouldn’t be the woman that I am PROUD to be today! If I had not been diagnosed with Lyme disease and had I not had to endure the pain/suffering (for countless years) that it entailed, and if I had not known what it was like to look death and hopelessness in the face, then I would not be half the woman I am today. I would not know the value of my life and the unique contribution I bring to this world and I would not know the value of others and the unique and priceless contribution that they also bring. So that is my new mantra: If my life had gone the way I thought it should have gone, then I would not be the woman I am proud to be today. No, I am not just saying this as a post-documentary-watching high (yep, that’s a thing), but as a true change I have come to adapt in my core beliefs. All of the pain, suffering, and heartache have not happened to me, they have happened for me! Wow, that idea… it changes everything. I can only dream of what that means for my future. Better yet, I get to live that in the here and now, even in my current situation as I continue my battle.

I know this may all be sounding like self-help babble or the “everything happens for a reason” saga …but what if that’s true? What if things really do happen for a reason? Or better yet, what if the things that happen to us, the ones we have no control over, are used as fuel for the fire that turns us into the best versions of ourselves? What if they help us to discover our deepest desires and potential? And even more, if we allow them to, what if they help us to live out those desires and to meet that potential with a passion we never thought possible? We all (everyone! – no matter how it may appear) have faced unimaginable pain and suffering …BUT… we don’t have to be defined by it – at least not in the way one would think. We don’t have to (get to) let it be our excuse for how we treat others or how we treat ourselves. We don’t have to (get to) let it be our excuse for why we can’t change and why we can’t move forward. We don’t have to (get to) let it be our excuse! We can (and should) however, let it define how generously we love, how tirelessly we forgive, and how humbly we accept grace. We should let the lessons we learn from it define the growth of our hearts. We should let that pain and the heartache and the unimaginable suffering fan the flames of change – life-altering, never-going-to-be-the-same, positive, change!

So where does this all leave me? Well, I went to the park this morning (by myself! In the car! and walked without a cane! – sorry, that is still so exciting to me), where I sat on a bench in a place that is very special to me. It’s the place where I wrote my wedding vows a little over three years ago. As I sat there, in the sunshine (which is a miracle in and of itself), I looked around – at the cloudless blue sky, the wildflowers, and the joggers passing me by, all while feeling the coolness of a slight breeze across my skin – and I exhaled. It was the first time in years that I could feel life again. There was nothing but me and that moment. I almost broke out into tears right then and there. It wasn’t because of the hope or emotions I was feeling, but because of the simple peacefulness of it all – a peace that had been ripped from my grasp years ago – one that I never thought I would get back. And in that moment, I realized something. I’m finally to the point where I can honestly say that I no longer wish that I hadn’t been dealt the hand I had. I no longer wish for my old life. In fact, screw that life. I want the one that is filled with growth and change and endless possibility – the one where I will never be the same again! I want the life without certainty – the life where I never forget that my pain and suffering are fuel for the next phase of growth. I want the gratefulness that only comes from that pain. I want a life of freedom – one that only existed in my wildest dreams a few short years ago!

This is all to say, I have not arrived (of that I’m sure) and I don’t have all the answers (or any, really). What I can tell you though, is that I am no longer afraid of that. In fact, I’m excited beyond belief by it – excited that I get to design a life I am so passionate about that I actually feel butterflies in my stomach – excited that the life I get to design doesn’t hinge on the stability of circumstances or events, but rather, on the new values and beliefs that I have created about myself. So while I don’t actually think Tony Robbins is my Guru (or cult leader), I do think he’s pretty F$#%@^& awesome. I also thank him …for not only enduring the pain and suffering of his past but for finding strength through it all. Without his willingness to remain vulnerable and his tenacity to reach those who are suffering, the world would be a sadly different and less incredible place. I hope that each of us realizes the same is to be said about us – if we are willing to accept the changes and callings that can only come from our darkest hours, then we too can and will change the world. It is in fact, inevitable.

“Make your life a masterpiece.” – Anthony Robbins