I wonder if greatness ever feels like greatness in the moment… or if it’s more of a hindsight’s 20/20 sort of thing?
Looking back at my life so far, I think about the moments that now feel like they were greatness in the making. At the time, they probably felt more like destruction, hopelessness, rage, grief or fear. It’s only with distance that I can now see clearly what those moments really were – mending, clearing, healing, loving, & growth. They were always for me. Always.
It really makes me wonder if now is another one of those moments. Everything just sort of feels broken. The exhaustion, coupled with the murkiness of this current path, makes me wonder what I will see when I look back at this moment in time. If history repeats itself, which it often does, then this moment will be the catalyst that ushers in beauty beyond belief.
If I’m honest though, what this moment really feels like is a breaking point – possibly more so now than ever before. It has become untenable to continue on the way that I have and yet, I feel like I have no choice. While I know that isn’t true, it certainly feels that way. It’s like I’m sinking in quicksand and the more I try to get out, the deeper in I sink.
I’m exhausted. It’s not the story I’m telling myself but the reality of where I’m at. I feel like I don’t have anything left to give. I have sacrificed myself for so long that I feel like an empty vessel. It makes me wonder who I even am anymore. The exhaustion masks my truest nature. It makes me selfish when my heart just wants to give. It makes me angry when all I really want is to love and be loved. It makes me resentful and impatient and less present than I want to be for myself… and for those around me. Exhaustion makes me feel ungrounded and unsure. The worst part is that it has become the norm to feel exhausted. Almost everyone I talk to nowadays feels the same way.
How have we completely normalized something so detrimental to our well-being? Why do we accept that it’s just how it has to be?
I believe wholeheartedly that it doesn’t have to be that way. We’re not intended to stumble through this life like zombies. We’re supposed to thrive and be here, fully. We’re supposed to enjoy and delight and laugh. We’re supposed to play and have joy. Dare I say that I think life is even supposed to be fun – maybe not always but certainly some of the time.
I think that’s what makes this moment doubly frustrating. As things break all around me, I’m left wondering why it feels so hard when I know that it’s leading to something beautiful? Everything in me knows this and still, I feel the heaviness of the weight I carry on my shoulders. Why does this moment feel so painful when I know there will be joy again? I wonder why the prerequisites for greatness often feel like an emotional (and sometimes physical) beating?
All I’m left with is surrender. I wish I had straightforward and bold answers. Instead, what I have is a small voice inside of me – one that is easily muffled by this world. It speaks in the form of my knowings. Some may call this intuition but truthfully, I believe there are a lot of names for this whisper. It’s how I KNOW (no matter what the world screams at me) that we are intended for so much more than mere survival, than pain and heartbreak and loss. The small voice inside me reminds me that no matter how hard or how hopeless a situation may seem, there is greatness to be uncovered. There are lessons to be learned. There’s more than just shadows and darkness. There’s breathtaking beauty and light so bright it makes us shield our eyes.
That’s what I deeply believe we are meant for. Contrast may be necessary, but we don’t have to carry all of the pain as we always have. I don’t have to carry it as I always have.
This lesson has come up for me over and over again. I wish it was a little stickier so that I didn’t have to keep learning it. Yet, here I am… sitting in this moment of hardship, wondering if I’ll ever feel lightness again, if I’ll ever see the greatness that is becoming of this very moment.
I wish I could just feel what I so deeply know inside of me – that somehow this all leads to more freedom and gratitude for what I have in this very moment. I don’t mean the ceremony of gratitude that’s riddled with guilt and harmful fake “positivity” but the actual real, life-changing practice that lightens the load and reminds me how to hold each moment. Real gratitude asks me to remove the weight around my shoulders and to set it down. It encourages me to take off the blinders of overwhelm and productivity since it can only be with me in the present moment. Real gratitude, of which I still have so much to learn, makes this life worth living. It ushers in beauty and joy. It allows for peace and stillness. It doesn’t share space with worry and fear… or any other thing that weighs us down. It can’t. It can only show us more of the good and beauty in this world.
There are so many high moments and definitely a lot of low ones in this human existence. I guess I’m really learning to see the greatness in both of them. It’s all just a practice though – of surrender – of gratitude – of love – of freedom.
There’s no grand conclusion to today’s writing… but that at least feels honest. It matches exactly where I’m at – where probably most of us are at, just trying our best and feeling like failures a lot of the time.
Despite it all, here’s to trusting the small voice inside and choosing to have some fun along the way.
What looks inevitable in hindsight is often invisible with foresight. – Steven Kotler