I have no idea what I’m doing here. I just know that I keep hearing the message (with more and more insistency) to write… so here I am.
As much as I feel called to write, I also often times feel like I have nothing to say… or that my words will sound childish… or that no one will want to read them… or that I’ll sound stupid… or the dozens of other excuses that run through my head. This calling to write, which I say for lack of a better description, has gotten so strong that I NEED to write. It’s now stronger than any excuse or fear that could come to mind. I simply can’t put it off even for one more day.
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I sometimes feel so much like a walking contradiction that it’s hard for me to put down on paper in any coherent way what I’m thinking, let alone feeling. I suppose these words are my best attempt:
Life lately has been… complicated. In ways, it’s been harder than it’s ever been. In other ways, it’s been more profoundly beautiful and life-changing than I have yet to fully comprehend. Through all of it, I still just feel like I’m practicing how to be a human, how to live in this world. Even after all of the work I’ve done to heal and to be here presently, it still takes way more effort than I care to admit not to give in to the small child inside of me that just want to throw a tantrum. As a full-grown adult, I still often feel like a seething two year old trying to understand why the world around me feels so foreign. I don’t think that I’ll ever arrive, but I sure hope that one day I’ll walk this path with a bit more ease. Until then, I’ll keep practicing – day after day, moment after moment. I’ll keep striving to soak in all the beauty and joy this world has to offer. I’ll watch sunrises and sunsets with tears in my eyes. I’ll eat ice cream and vegetables with the same joy and awe they both deserve. I’ll walk and run and skip on legs that deserve nothing but gratitude from me. I’ll laugh with friends and cry with loved ones. I’ll grieve and I’ll celebrate. I’ll strive to wring out every last drop of beauty this world has to offer. I’ll stand in awe on the best days… and on the worst. For every moment that I’m here, I’ll do my best to really really be here… even though I’ll often fall short.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again… I don’t believe we’re meant to be on this earth just to merely survive. We are here to experience it ALL, the ups, the downs, the wild celebrations and the deepest mourning. We are here to feel and to love. We are here to become our most vibrant, beautiful, and truest selves.
When I think about it like that, I can’t help but feel so incredibly lucky, beyond lucky, just to be here. When I think about it like that, all the stresses of money and health and work seem pretty insignificant. When I think about all the people that had to fall in love, the moments of “chance” meetings, and the wishes that had to be wished in order for me to just exist as a human in this exact moment, it brings tears to my eyes. When I think about it like that, I cant help but feel like the miracle that I am.
I choose this life, today and everyday. It won’t be perfect. Sometimes it will even feel impossible, but I know the preciousness of this existence and I don’t want to waste it, not even for a moment.
So here I am, showing up for a call that only I can hear in my heart. It can’t be heard by anyone other than me. That’s what makes it both terrifying and exciting. I trust myself though and I trust the still small voice inside of me. I don’t need permission or a green light from anyone other than myself. These words and the sharing of these words are an act of faith. They are my homecoming and freedom. They are truth and trust embodied.
They are vulnerable but of course they have to be, or they wouldn’t be worth saying…
You don’t grow when you are comfortable. – Holly Brooke