I’ve been trying for so long to fill the gaps in my soul
with anything other than what I actually need.
My days pass by
with food and work and obligations and TV
but none of it brings me joy.
To sit in the pain of a blank moment feels shattering.
I long to be connected and fully ALIVE.
I long for the spark that has dwindled inside me to be lit once again
…but I often choose smallness and painless instead.
No one told me the bravery it would take to face this world as myself
without thoughts of who I “ought” to be
without disclaimers
or
facades.
No one showed me how to love myself for exactly who I am.
I’m not sure how to swap the meaningless for the meaningful
or that they’re even different
except by my own interpretation...
But I do know that I want all that this life has to offer.
Numbing and surviving isn’t enough anymore.
It never was.
This poem reads of sadness
but it’s actually one of hope.
It’s complete honesty and it’s compassion
for all the versions of myself that coexist.
It’s the acknowledgment of the necessity of imperfection
…and the wholeness of surrender.
However clear the path may seem in a moment
there is beauty in its uncertainty.
There is beauty in the gaps
in the spaces of my soul.
They leave room for newness and expansion
…they leave room for more.
