Why Is It All So Confusing?
After having gone through all that I have, how do I still feel like I don’t have a story to tell?
How does it all still feel so convoluted? I know that there is no arrival and that endings aren’t actually final, but I still somehow feel more confused about the path I’ve traveled down than maybe ever before.
Oddly, I also feel more whole and healed and free than ever before. I’m not sure how to make sense of that. It sounds so contradictory and feels even more so.
Sometimes I can’t believe how much I’ve been through. At other times, I have to convince myself that it even happened. I question my past all the time. Am I just remembering it harder than it was? Did I exaggerate the difficulties in my mind? Was it really that bad?
It Really Was That Hard…
I have those who walked the path along side me to remind me. It really was that hard. Still, I find myself able only to remember flashes – a moment here and a flicker of a memory there.
I’m sure I’ve blocked some of it out to help protect myself from the pain. When I block out the pain though, I also block out the beauty, growth, and gratitude. Remembering brings with it so much discomfort and also, so much healing.
Sometimes, like right now, I’m desperate to remember all that I’ve been through. I want it to be more clear than it is. Remembering helps me to understand why I often feel the way I do. It helps me to feel proud of myself for how hard I’ve fought and for how long. Helps me to have grace for myself. It helps me to understand why I’m so exhausted and why I’m so ready for a new season in life.
Tell Your Story Anyway.
As I write these words and as I feel the waves of emotions wash over me, I worry my story will never make sense.
Maybe it’s not supposed to.
Maybe my story doesn’t come in a neatly wrapped package
…and just maybe, it needs to be told all the same.