Looking Back
I’ve been going through some of my old writings lately. I find it one of the best ways to remind myself of who I really am when I’m feeling disconnected – like I have been lately. I find comfort and wisdom in the words that flow through me when I fully surrender to whatever the circumstance in front of me is.
I came across a piece that I wrote back in July of 2024. I had caught the worst virus I’ve ever had as an adult. I could barely get off the couch. I had a fever and was coughing so hard and non-stop that I was worried I’d pull a muscle. My whole body ached, even the hair on my head seemed to ache. As an added bonus, I developed a severe sinus infection that took 3 weeks of antibiotics to kick. All in all, it took me an entire month to fully recover. I was S-I-C-K.
Thank You, To All the Versions of Me…
One of the worst parts about it was how absolutely exhausted I was, not just from the sickness itself but from the lack of sleep. Every time I would fall asleep, the coughing would start up again. It had been days since I had really slept and I felt on the verge of hallucinating. In the midst of this illness and insomnia, I decided I NEEDED to write. I did just that… even if it was only a few words most days. The piece below is something I wrote on one of the early sleepless nights during that ordeal.
When I look back now, I’m so proud of myself. I know that sounds cheesy, but I am. I kept that commitment to myself through some of the roughest few weeks of the year. I distinctly remember the feeling of fear trying to take over, as it had done so many times before. Instead though, I chose Love. I chose to walk in the lessons I had painstakingly learned this last decade. Honestly, that’s what I feel like I’m doing again right now. I’m showing up as the version of myself I want to be even though I definitely don’t feel like it. I want to just crawl in bed and shut out the world. Instead I am here, sharing these words.
I’m so grateful to my past self for leading the way… and I’m grateful to my current self for moving forward even when the path feels challenging and unclear.
— — —
July 2024:
I’ve learned to savor these moments…
It’s 11 p.m. and sleep still feels far off in the distance. I have a cough that won’t seem to stop. About every 30 seconds I find myself jolted by the sudden urge to expel this virus from my lungs. It’s relentless and no medicine seems to touch it.
It’s here, in these times, that I often feel most like myself. As strange as that sounds, there’s something about the stillness of a sleepless night. It’s almost as if the veil is a bit thinner. I can feel the love that is all around me. I just know that I’m not alone and am reminded of who I really am.
That’s something for which I have chronic illness to thank. The sleepless nights during that season of my life were seemingly endless. At first, it felt like torture. It was when fear would swoop in and tell me all the reasons I didn’t deserve to get better, why I wouldn’t make it to the other side of illness. It was always when I was most vulnerable.
Fear is a dirty liar.
During that time, I remember dreading bedtime. Every night, I felt like a little child begging for just a few more minutes before I HAD to go to bed. I would lay awake for hours on end. Sometimes I would watch TV, sometimes I would haphazardly work on a craft, but mostly I would just feel afraid and wait for the first signs of daylight.
Eventually, I made the couch my bed. It was there that I slowly learned to embrace the sleepless nights. I started to welcome them rather than loath them. Looking back, I can see that those nights were just one of the many lessons I’ve received in surrender.
As I started to make peace with my illness-induced insomnia, I began writing during those times – just as I am now. I started to sit in the discomfort that plagued me rather than trying to run away from it. What happened next amazed me. My soul started to get the much deserved rest it needed. Eventually, my body followed suit.
Peaceful Nights
I stopped counting the hours of sleep I would get and started being grateful for the time I had in the stillness of the night. A peaceful time of reflection isn’t something most people are awarded in this chaotic world. It was a gift, even if it was wrapped in an unappealing package. The sleeplessness allowed me to dig deeper and to show up in new ways for myself, just as all of the challenges I’d faced before had.
Having learned those lessons (while often still needing reminders), I can sit here on another sleepless night with a heart full of surrender and gratitude. I am grateful for this time even if it’s maybe not what I would have chosen. I am grateful that this is from a virus I caught and not because of the chronic condition that once ruled my life. I am grateful that I get to have this time at all.
It’s so precious, all of this life.
Every moment.
Even now.